L’histoire de sa vie

Thirteen years ago, in March 2006, I, along with a small group of my friends, attended the AIPAC Policy Conference, in Washington, D.C. As we were in high school, AIPAC covered all the costs, including the "full Policy Conference registration fee, lodging, and travel." According to emails I have from that time, this included a hotel room at the Four Points Sheraton and round trip flights to Washington. I also recall quite a few meals, including a kosher filet mignon that at the time seemed pretty impressive to a Texas high schooler whose experience was that beef could be high quality or kosher but not both.

It was while I was eating that filet mignon, if I recall correctly, that Vice President Dick Cheney, keynote speaker at the convention, spoke passionately about the "war on terror," about Israel and America's connection as victims of terrorism (there was a lot of focus on 9/11 – less than five years had passed), and about the need to "oppose" and "defeat" what he termed the terrorists' "ambitions" – "to destroy Israel; to intimidate all Western countries; and to cause mass death here in the United States."

During this speech, there were several points where the ballroom erupted in applause. These usually focused on war ("war on terror", Ariel Sharon's war history, etc.) and Cheney played to this. His tone was stronger when discussing force, opposition, or "whatever means necessary." When at one point a mention was made of using diplomacy, I found that our table was one of the very few, far scattered, that thought enough about peace to applaud.

The theme of the convention was Iran, first and foremost. It was clouded in a phrase along the lines of "Now is the Time" but the pervasive discussion in every session, by nearly every speaker, in breakout meetings, and in so-called "policy discussions" was this: AIPAC wants to go to war with Iran. The loudest applause, the biggest standing ovation Cheney received was when he stated that any option was on the table to prevent Iran from getting the bomb. This is what the convention visitors were there for, this is what the discussions were about: War with Iran.

Iran was what we were instructed to talk about when meeting with US Representatives and Senators. I tagged along with a friend to the Illinois session – being not interested in meeting with Texas politicians who already were aching for more Middle East wars while we were already embroiled in two, I thought it would be more interesting to meet rising star and future President Barack Obama – and was soon struck by just how strong the AIPAC playbook is. Both Obama and Senator Durbin were present, as were a significant number of members of the House. A few members mentioned that they had canceled travel plans to their districts to meet with AIPAC. Some mentioned that their support of Israel was well-documented, that they were a friend of Israel and happy to call themselves a friend of AIPAC.

In the small room set aside for Illinois, we were not to mention war with Iran, but rather frame our concerns entirely in a "pro-Israel" message, crafted to ensure that when we mentioned the Iranian threat, it was with concern for the Democracy, for allies in the Middle East, and for the dangers of another nuclear power. Meanwhile, in the much larger room for Texas, where some of my friends were, they had different instructions: focus on the evil of Iran, the wickedness of the Muslim regime in Tehran, and the threat that it brings to the Judeo-Christian worldview. In Democratic Illinois, we didn't mention war or religion. In Republican Texas, both were critical talking points.

AIPAC, during the convention, didn't ask for a lot in the way of donations. There was some focus on the "highest supporting members," and a brief discussion of membership renewals, but most of the discussions about money were more subtle: a list of politicians who deserve your direct financial support or who don't, talking points to bring up when asked for donations by re-election campaigns, and the like. Representatives who were not present were discussed frequently as primary targets, while emcees would follow up some plenary speeches from sitting Congress members with phrases like "we're gonna make sure you keep your job!"

There was an overwhelming sense, which I heard spoken aloud in several breakout sessions: AIPAC owns these politicians. This is the lobby you disregard at your own peril.

In no session did I hear anything about actual Jewish concerns. On the contrary, one plenary speaker had this to say about her beliefs: "the Jews invented it… and we Christians perfected it!" She received a standing ovation.

During that convention, I learned that AIPAC is not a Jewish organization. And based on which Israeli politicians were dialed in via satellite phone, I learned that it's not even a simple pro-Israel organization. It's a pro-right-wing, Islamophobic, fear-mongering, war-mongering hateful lobby that uses money, power, and more importantly, its image as a Jewish group, to gain power and deflect criticism.

Clearly I'm not a great attire emoji designer…

Weddings, Birthdays, Special Events: I'm at a point in my life where I'm increasingly receiving invitations that have the same basic format: who/what/when/where/attire. That last one being the newcomer, and a confusing newcomer at that. "Cocktail attire," "semi-formal," "business casual," and many other descriptions all serve the same purpose: to very loosely and confusingly tell me something that my latest idea, attire emoji, could have told me better.

What, for example, is meant by "cocktail attire"? Wikipedia ignores this concept altogether and redirects directly to the article on "Semi-formal." The only picture on that page, however, is decidedly formal: a Canadian historian in black tie. Indeed, the same article lists black tie as a suggestion, though that is also listed on the page for formal. Most other sources (sorry, Wiki, I usually turn to you first) provide a wide range of options for cocktail attire: slacks with a jacket, suit with no tie, and suit with tie are all considered options, though this is a fairly wide spectrum.

Or take, for example, "business casual," which in some parts of America means jeans with an untucked button-up are acceptable but in other parts implies French cuffs and slacks. And in both of these examples, I'm only touching on men's fashion; where women are concerned, these labels are even more cryptic.

My solution is simple: when you create an invitation, do away with the complex gibberish phrases that normally adorn the bottom right, and replace them with attire emojis. If men are expected to wear a suit and tie and women would be comfortable in a little black dress, you can try to get that across through age-old code-words like "evening informal" (as apparently that's what that means), or you can instead provide a set of two emoji that accomplish the same task.

I should clarify here that I don't intend to suggest a specific set of emoji; any custom images will do as long as they serve the emoji purpose of conveying information in a single simple character. These pictographs or hieroglyphics (which is really all emoji are) can get across a lot more information, perhaps a thousand times as much, as the old adage suggests, as the words we use today.

On a recent trip to London, I consumed more than my fair share of Kettle Sweet Chilli [sic.] & Sour Cream crisps, as they were plentiful at several bars I visited after work. The sweet chili was quite nice, as were other flavors I managed to try, including Walker's Prawn Cocktail. Years ago, on a visit to Canada, I enjoyed many interesting flavors of Lay's potato chips, including Dill Pickle and Ketchup, both of which eventually made it to the US years later, but not without some delay. The Dill Pickle flavored potato chip was by far, at that point in my life, the best chip I'd ever had, and I still mourn the loss of them in the US after a short-lived chip career.

All of this is to say: America, we are being cheated, bamboozled, and robbed, by BIG CHIP, in their withholding of amazing flavors. Most Americans probably cannot fathom that another country could beat the US in the realm of gluttony, but this certainly appears to be the case. Not only are we being beaten by our neighbors to the north and our former oppressors across the pond, but also by other countries unrelated to American history or geography at all! This is a travesty of epic proportions. And worst of all, the greatest offender is Frito-Lay, a company headquartered right here in the US. Frito-Lay, of course, owns Lay's, which are marketed in the US and Canada as such, but elsewhere under slightly different names with the same logo.

Though we have been blessed in recent years to see an insurgence of Lay's flavors in the US, including such specialties as Greektown Gyro, Chicken & Waffles, and even, though I never saw this anywhere,  Cappuccino, there is a serious potato chip-flavor gap between the US and other countries. This is an abomination, and I hope you'll join me in demanding that Frito-Lay bring some of their interesting flavors from other countries to the US. We should not stand idly by while other countries get to enjoy these amazing flavors, while our American taste buds remain unsatisfied. Here's just a small sample of what we are missing out on:

• Belgium: Indian Curry, Hamburger w/Mayo & Onions & Pickles, and Cucumber & Goats (what an amazing combination)
• Canada: Tzatziki, Bacon Poutine, Montreal Smoked Meat, Grilled Cheese & Ketchup, Perogy Platter, and Cinnamon Bun (!!)
• China: Cucumber, Kiwi, Blueberry, Cherry Tomato, Italian Red Meat, Mexican Tomato Chicken, Texas Grilled BBQ, Black Pepper Rib Eye Steak, Hot & Sour Fish Soup, Finger Licking Braised Pork, Seafood Barbecue, Spicy Seafood, and Numb & Spicy Hot Pot (again, !!)
• India: Magic Masala, Spanish Tomato Tango, Swiss Grilled Cheese, Macho Chilli, and Sunkissed Tomato (incredible naming over there)
• Netherlands: Bolognese, Bell Pepper, French Fries w/Joppiesaus, and Stokbroodje Kruidenboter Smaak (Dutch is so awesome – this is a baguette with garlic butter)
• Russia: Mushroom & Sour Cream, Crab, Red Caviar, and Salted Cucumber (though I bet that last one is just Dill Pickle)
• Thailand: French Mayonnaise, Garlic Soft Shelled Crab, Soy Sauce, Salmon Teriyaki, Lobster, Bacon & Cheese, Tom Yum, and Thai Seafood Dip (seriously, Asia is KILLING it in the potato chip flavor game)
• The UK: Lamb & Mint, Worcester Sauce, Beef & Onion, English Roast Beef & Yorkshire Pudding, Sizzling Steak Fajita, Australian BBQ Kangaroo, and Ranch Raccoon (wut)

And that's just the tip of the iceberg! There's seriously tons of potato chip flavors denied to Americans, and I say it's enough. Frito-Lay, I demand more potato chip flavors!